So it's been quite a while since I've posted or even anwsered to comments or anything on here. I was feeling some type of way the other day, and started watching old episodes of total drama, which made me think of my TD series, which made me think of wattpad, which made me think of all the people who have come and said they love my series and writing (even though reading back on some of those chapters, like all the early ones, I think it's trash haha), which made me think of the stories I've read on Wattpad and Quizilla back in the day (who else started on Quizilla??), which made me think of when the authors to those stories would just fall off the earth and abandon their account and stories. 

       Now I at least feel when I left I had all of my stories completed (sorta) and wasn't leaving any loose ends (kinda). The kinda-sorta relates to Total Drama Revenge of the Island, and how I made a new character and said I'd go further into her story during Pakehitew Island (have NO idea how to spell that seasons name, not bothering to look it up!), then never wrote either Pakehitew Island or Ridonculous Race (we'll talk about those in a  minute).

       But besides my series and Total Drama as a whole, I wanted to just be real and talk about life and my life (briefly), since I started writing little short stories when I was like 9 and 10, writing Total Drama when I was probably 10 or 11, writing my own fiction novels and books during that time as well, and then just continuing to write all these years, and now I'm 20 and it's just like damn, where did all that time go?

       And Wattpad (and total drama too since it was what got the biggest response from readers) was a huge part of my life between the ages of 10/11 to honestly 17. I stopped following writing new seasons after All Stars for a few reasons: when I finished All Stars, I was making my way through my last year of high school and trying to figure out what was next. I was applying to a bunch of schools, wondering if I should just stay home and do community college, and just dealing with all the shit I dealt with in high school (again, we'll talk in a minute), and I just didn't feel like I had it in me to sit and write an entire new season of total drama. 

   I intended to write Pakehtiw island with Julie (the new character from revenge of the island) as the main character, but honestly...i just didn't really like pakehitw island that much! I only watched the season through once, and I remember the bare minimum of the characters and the plot, and I just didn't see where Julie would fit, so I was like meh, I don't want to. 

   Real talk for a second, out of all seven seasons of TD, seasons 1, 2, and 3 (Island, Action, and World Tour), were the BEST in my opinion. And maybe that's just me being biased since I grew up on those three seasons from end of elementary school to mid-middle school, but they all seemed the most funny and most genuine seasons to me. 

   Revenge of the island wasn't terrible, but I wouldn't put it on par with seasons 1-3. I liked most of the characters, and it did make me laugh, but I felt like after season 1 -3, the show just kept getting more and more ridiculous and it was kind of annoying in my opinion.I know TD is meant for stupid things like that, I mean, season 1 -3 was full of them, but idk, it just seemed to get worse and worse as the seasons went on.

And I think the rest of the seasons weren't as good because they included two new casts. Adding new people to the show wasn't a terrible idea - I mean i LOVED Sierra and Alejandro in season 3 - but I think having an ENTIRELY new cast with NO originals (season 4 and season 6), wasn't the best idea. The coolest thing about shows and movies and books, and anything creative like that, is character development. You keep watching every season, keep reading every book, etc, because you want to see how each character from day one has grown to now. So I think the new casts threw me off as well. 

    I enjoyed All Stars, again I wouldn't say it was the best, ESPECIALLY bc the final was between zoey and mike! I completely get where they were going with that storyline, but the fact that the whole exciting part of that season was old cast joining with the new cast, they a million percent should have had the final be between a newbie and an oldie. But, overall All Stars wasn't miserable either. 

   Pakhitew island, like I said, probably the worst season in my opinion. Again, just unrelatable characters and too much insane stuff happening. It wasn't my cup of tea, and I don't plan on writing it with Julie (sorry guys!)

    I was hoping there would be a decent male character in that season that Julie could fall in love with, Duncan and Alex style, but like I said, they were all just too insane to put up with in my opinion. It honestly would have made the most sense to include Julie in All Stars - Scott getting with courtney would have made Julie hate Courtney, so she and Alex could then bond - but then I'd be writing each episode twice, and at that point its more like a chore than a fun thing to write in my free time. 

    However Ridonculous race - now that was a good season! It was an entirely different idea, with little sprinkles of the old cast included, and it genuinely made me laugh. I only watched that through one time as well, but I actually enjoyed every episode I watched, AND I can see exactly where Duncan and Alex fit in there. 

   But enough about my opinions on the various seasons of TD - briefly about me. Like I said, I'm 20 now, and life is a WHOLLEEEEE lot different from when I was posting on here frequently. When I created my account (God, all the way back on November, 11th, 2011), I was not in a good place in life. I was in a really bad relationship with my first ever boyfriend, just ditched my best friend for him bc I thought we were so in love! and I was just a depressed, angry teenager. 

   And the rest of highschool didn't really get much better than that. Me and bad-relationship boyfriend stayed together until the end of high school, we both put up with too much than we should have, and like I said, I don't wanna get into the nitty gritty details of my life - but I know there are a lot of young people on this site, and I just think it's nice to give my wisdom to you guys - and that is -

  NEVER put up with bullshit in a relationship, whether its your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your best friend, or even if your parents or siblings or your boss or ANYBODY is disrespectful to you? Anybody that puts you down for no reason and makes you feel less than what you really are - FUCK THEM. 

    I put up with a bad relationship for such a long time. I gave up good relationships with so many people for one person who really didn't desvere it. I did fucked up things to him, he did fucked up things to me, and looking back on it I'm like "Jess wtf were you doing??"

   But - all of that said, I do understand why people stay in bad relationships (of any kind), bc I have been there. And you're so in love with the person, (or it's your mom/dad/brother/sister/best friend/whater) and you just keep making those excuses. "We're just fighting alot now, it'll get better when we're older!" "Now that I've ditched all my friends for you, we'll be happy finally!" and then at one point, after years of bullshit, you finally just wake up and have that come to jesus moment and say wow...this won't ever get better!

    So that's life lesson number one, life lesson number 2 - dealing with mental illness type things. Now I know everybody talks about mental illness nowadays - but I don't know that people understand how crippling it can really be to your life unless they go through it, or know someone whos gone through it. 

     I wouldn't say I'm "mentally ill", I dont have terrible mental illness' like schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder, or anything major like that - but through years of being with bad boyfriend and secluding myself for him, I definitely developed some depression and social anxiety and BOY does it suck!

     I thought meeting my new boyfriend, moving in with him, working full time at a law office in a real adult job like i'd always wanted, getting a puppy, going to the gym regularly, and just feeling like a kinda sorta adult (all my current situation) would make my depression just go away. I thought everything would be better when I moved away from home a year ago - and my relationship? Great, my job, great, my puppy, such a little menace, but he's also the greatest little guy in the world! But me? I'm not great to keep it real, and I think that's another thing I want to get across to young readers, and older readers, & just any humans

     and that's that it's okay to not be okay! 

     Life is literally so terrible a good bit of the time, I mean christ - my mom told me about that new york bombing last week and I literally didn't even bat an eye, I was like gosh thats terrible for all involved, but it's like our new normal - bombings, a crazy ass president, people shooting other people, it's like so much bad shit happens all the time in the world, that we're just so used to it at this point.

    And that's one of my issues that I gotta work on, not being so cynical, not being so "the world is terrible", because as terrible as the world can be sometimes, it can also be beautiful and fun and great and full of love - I just need to start recognizing that more. 

    And if anybody feels me on this, or has depression or anexity or even a major mental illness or maybe you're just kinda sad and don't know why - it's okay! 

    I really wanted to get out there and talk about my mental shit for a minute, because I have been gone for a minute, and even though my depression and social nonsense isn't the main reason why I havne't been on here as much (honestly it was just getting swept up in life, college, meeting my new boo-thing, working full time, getting a puppy, the works), i wanted to talk about it bc this girl I love on youtube that makes The Sims videos (LifeSimmer if anybody likes her as well)

   She dropped off youtube for a good part of 2017, leaving a video at the beginning of the year telling us she was taking some time for herself, and then recently, like a month ago or so, she came back on youtube and really talked about why she left and that she had bad anexity and fell into a bad depression - and just hearing her talk about that kind of stuff - somebody I watched on youtube just for fun to see some Sims gameplay - it was just a little trippy, bc I feel like when you hear celebrties or youtubers, or authors, or anybody who makes content that you like - when you hear they're going through some mental stuff like that - i dont know, it just makes them feel more like an actual human, and it's nice when people like that bring light onto those issues - it makes people like me, like everybody who suffers some mental issue - feel like we're not the only weirdo on the planet with some issues. 

    it's like when robin williams killed himself. Such a happy, funny, amazing comedian and actor - but inside he's hurting to the point where he took his own life. he's such a tragic human in our history of amazing creators - tragic and brilliant all at the same time. 

     So I just wanted to bring some light to the situation of mental illness, and let everybody know its okay to not be okay - as cliche as that sounds. All that matters is you recognize there's something wrong and do something about it. 

    I spent a long time just saying "i'm just a cranky bitch" "this is just the way i am" but just ignoring problems makes them that much worse. Its hard when you have a "mild" mental issue like mild depression and anxiety - because it doesnt effect your life to the point where you cant get out of bed and go to work everyday, but it fucks with you on a very lowkey level that makes you think to the point of exhaustion every minute you're not working on something. (at least mine does! I know some anxiety and depression is major and I've seen it fuck with people)

     If you don't feel okay - tell someone. reach out to whatever outlet you have in your life. and if you feel like you have nobody (been there too), go online, go to a self help fourm or something like that - because talking about it really does help. 

      This is all coming from a 20 year old girl - who lives like an adult, acts like an immature kid, and stresses like an adult with a $2,000 monthly mortgage and four kids! I'm by no means better. I'm working on it. I'm in therapy, and some days are rough, but at the end of the day, I can at least say I'm trying. 

     And honestly, even though I've been dealing with this shit in different forms for 6 years, I can at least say - hey man, I made it through 6 years of this bullshit. It's been hard, I've cried, I've yelled, I've had my share of rough times - but I'm still here. And even though on the inside I struggle, I have an amazing life for someone my age, and that's just what you need to focus on when your mind is eating at you - the good things in life. 

    No matter what bad situation you're in, I promise there is at least one thing in your life that is good. Even if it's something as stupid as your favorite TV show. 

     I decided to write this because when I was feeling really low the other day, I was like dude, I just wanna watch some Total Drama and just laugh at the stupid immature jokes and reminisce on my childhood and teenagehood of growing up watching this show. And it seriously did cheer me up! When that theme song came on, i JAMMED out, I knew every word, I was quoting the show, laughing at Owen's dumb jokes, and just, all of it! You gotta revel in the small things that make you smile, life has too much annoying shit in it, you could drown in all that shit if you don't stop and do something that makes you smile every now and then. 

      SO. After all that ranting and rambling (i literally jotted all this down over the course of like a week or so in my free time) I think I got my point across. Be as happy as you can be, and when life is taking a dump on your face, try to wipe the shit off and do something that makes you happy. and please don't bottle shit up - it really sucks when that bottle bursts open. 

     For me? I'm just gonna keep doing me. I'm gonna do my best to get my shit together, I'm gonna enjoy my boyfriend and our puppy and the life we're growing together, I'm gonna keep working my butt off at the law office, and work towards getting my degree and figure out what the heck I wanna do for the rest of my life (bc as much as the law office is great, I would never wanna be a lawyer after seeing what my attorneys go through!)

    For my writing - my overall dream is to publish a book (a real book all written by me) - but with my life, it's hard to write my own novel everyday. There's just so much that goes on in the day that by the time I get a minute to sit and think and write something - by the time I finish a couple sentences the dog is barking at me, or it's time to go to the gym, or I'll have homework, or I'll just wanna chill the fuck out and turn my brain off!

     I mean, I'll always write my fiction books, and maybe when I retire and have nothing to do I can finally publish and finish a real book of my own, but for now....I have been rewriting some Total Drama. 

    I don't wanna update anything until I have at least like 10 or 15 chapters down (currently on chapter 7 of TDI) all of my Total Drama's need updates - the grammar was awful, and even some of the storylines I wrote make me cringe (don't worry, Alex is still a bad ass bitch that loves Duncan, that wiill never change!) 

    I want to go over all of my TD's (except for maybe revenge of the island, I just never felt that click with Julie like I did with Alex!) and fix them and make them the best that they can be. and I do want to write ridonculos race with Alex --- THAT WILL NOT BE OUT LITERALLY ANY TIME SOON!!!

    I want to finish going over all my already written total drama stories, then go through the process of typing up another season - if you write total drama, or any fanfiction story where you need to pause, and type, and pause, and type, the episode you're watching, I'm sure you feel me on how much of a job it can be. 

    but honestly, even though TD is a fanfiction story I wrote, I'm proud of it. It's the only real "novel" i guess you could call it, that I've finished. now yeah, about 80% of the story is already written for me, but I created Alex. I squished her into the show as if she belonged there from the start, I wrote 5 out of seven seasons in full, and I do hope and intend to write the seventh. Sorry pakehtiew island and julie, I do not care too much to write your season, or continue your storyline Julie!

     But, Alex has a place in my heart, and so does Duncan (and the entire original cast honestly). So I am revamping my original stories to the best of my ability, and I hope you all like when I finally update them. 

    And also, just so ya'll know - wattpad is still subscribed to my email, so I have seen EVERY COMMENT that has been posted since I have not been  on this site! I used to respond to all of them, but like I said, life got busy and wattpad just wasn't my priorty anymore. But whenever I'd get an email stating "user 2 commented on Total Drama Island - Day 9" I ALWAYS would look at what you guys were saying. 

    So for those of you who have been with me from the start, this is a very real rant from me, and for those who have come to my account along the way, welcome, and I hope you've enjoyed/are enjoying my works. I will be updating my TD's in due time - so stay tuned for that. 

     For a final note, everybody be well, happy holidays since its already almost freaking christmas! and find something to smile in everyday ....even if it's Owen's stupid, immature fart jokes from TD. 

:) - Jess

List Chapter