"~And even baby our worst nights, I'm into you, I'm into you.~"
"~Let 'em wonder how we got this far, 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all~"
a/n- Sorry for the long wait!
Y/N and Louis were still in the cold pool water, his hands still wrapped around her waist as her warm hand was cupping his cheek.
They were both wondering what happens next.
They felt as if they should do something, but they didn't know what.
The silence was loud between the two of them. But they both didn't care.
All they did was think.
Louis thought about what would happen after this, what they would do. Will they finally end up talking to each other? Will they be together? Will they both move on and forget this ever happened?
But Y/N, she thought of something different.
What if he is just gonna leave her again? What if he causes her pain again? What if he will actually stay with her as she hopes?
She knows she can't think of this right now, this was her dream moment.
When he finally comes back to her and tells her he loves her.
But is this really her dream moment?
She always imagined what it would be like. How it would go. What would happen if he finally expresses his feelings to her again.
And she certainly didn't expect that they would end up going through this in a hotel pool. Ever.
But then again, she feels scared.
Scared that he will leave her again and act as if he never caused her pain.
Scared that she will fall into yet another trap and blame herself even if she should blame him instead.
Scared that when they finally come back together, another terrible thing will happen and will break them apart. Yet again.
What if this isn't it? she asks herself over and over again.
Meanwhile Louis, was thinking of her. Only her.
He thought about how much he can't hate her no matter what.
He thought about how guilty he felt towards her.
He thought about what she was feeling right about now.
But most of all, he thought about regret.
Regret regret regret.
He hates the teenage boy that he has become.
He wishes to start his life all over again. Start fresh.
Get the right girl, get the right education, get the right choices.
But he can't change that now. What's done is done.
He felt Y/N slightly pull away from him, making him raise his eyebrows in confusion.
"Louis." Y/N's voice cracked as she said his name, making him slightly flinch by the unexpected interruption that broke the silence between them.
He glanced at her, showing that he was listening to what she was going to say.
"I think," she loudly whispered, sounding like she didn't want to say the words that were about to come out of her mouth.
He looked at her confusedly as she backed away from him, "Y/N what are you doing?" he asked, noticing how farther she backed away from him every second.
"It's for the best," she gulped, ignoring him, trying to keep it together.
"What's for the best? W-why are you sounding worried?" he rambled nervously.
"Don't make me say it." she gulped.
"Okay I don't understand what's going on-"
"Stay apart." Y/N blurted out, making Louis even feel more confused than he already was.
"I think," she cleared her throat, trying to act if she was strong, "That it would be better if we should just stay apart."
Louis's eyes widened. Was it something he said? Was it something he did? What did he do?
He breathed out a chuckle, "Nice joke." he mumbled.
But once he looked at her tired, helpless eyes. He knew this wasn't a joke.
"Y/N?" He questioned, "Tell me this isn't a joke." he said, his face feeling light.
She shut her eyelids tightly, trying to contain the amount of tears that were forming in her eyes.
Louis's lips trembled. Not because of how cold he felt, but because of how surprised he is from the words that came out of the girl he truly loves.
"What did I do?" Louis asks, confused by the sudden turn of events.
"What did you do?" Y/N repeated in a more bothered tone, "Louis are you stupid?"
"You don't get to call me stupid when you're the one who wants to break us apart right when things are slowly starting to get better." Louis argued, watching as Y/N was slowly walking out of the cold pool.
"Louis it's not going to work." Y/N stood up on the tiled floor, the cold air hit her skin, making goosebumps quickly form.
"And how do you know that?" he asked, following her out of the pool, "Y/N hold on-"
"No Louis. Don't follow me." she stopped him, "You will see why soon enough."
Louis followed her anyways. He quickly got out of the pool and stood right in front of her. He didn't care if he looked like a mess. He didn't care how cold it was in the room. He didn't care if anyone was watching. He didn't care.
He was just confused.
"Stop saying that this isn't going to work. It will." he interrupted her, wiping the droplets of water away from his forehead stressfully.
"No it won't," she stated, "Louis It won't and you know why."
"No I don't Y/N, I don't know why. All I know is that I love you and I want to be with you." he yelled back, taking her cold soaked hand and holding it with his dear life.
"Do you? Do you love me?" she looked at him with a mix of anger and worry, "Because you clearly showed me the opposite of love."
Louis bit his lip from the amount of anger that was rushing inside of him.
"You," Y/N gulped out of breath, "Broke me. You broke my fucking heart. And I will never forget that."
Louis's eyes traveled back to her. Tears were forming in her eyes. She couldn't help it. It's no use.
She couldn't manage to explain why she's doing this. She just wants to leave and never appear again.
"And not to mention you caused me so much pain and trouble that I certainly do not wish upon anyone." she yelled.
His body stiffened.
"And yes, maybe I do probabl-" she hesitated for a second, catching her breath "...And you don't get to act as if you caused me nothing. You don't get to say you love me now when all you did was break me and show me the opposite of love." she blurted out, changing the subject.
She looked at him straight in the eyes,
"I might seem like a jerk for admitting all of these things and not talking about them sooner Louis, But I will never forget those words you said to me in the middle of a fucking parking lot. When you left me there."
He didn't know what to say. He just stood there in front of her, not moving.
He couldn't believe she was doing this to him. Why was she doing this? She's clearly not thinking straight.
"Well what do you want me to do about this Y/N?" he asked harshly.
She scoffed in response, making him feel even more angry.
"What do you want me to do? You want me to comfort you like a baby Y/N?" he asked sarcastically.
"God, all I wanted for you was to apologize Louis." she cried, "I wanted you to apologize for hurting me so badly. So so badly. But you never did." she took a deep breath, "Never did." she repeated slowly.
she stopped him before he could say anything else, "Call me a loser, a bitch, a girl who's so sensitive, but all I wished was for you to be better." she whispered, her voice running out, "I wanted you to learn from what you did. But right now I realized that you never did. You never realized how much your words and actions could hurt someone."
She finally closed her mouth, feeling drained from how much things she just spilled. The smell of chlorine made her feel nauseous which made it hard for her to think straight.
She glanced at him one last time. She wanted to say one last thing to him, but couldn't.
She then turned around and headed towards the door.
But Louis couldn't give up. He couldn't just let her leave him and tell him all of this nonsense.
Y/N felt a hand grab her wrist and turn her back around.
"No." Louis blurted out, holding her arm firmly.
She shook her head, "Let me go."
"No." he repeated more harshly.
He wouldn't let go of her wrist. He didn't want her to leave.
"Stop." Y/N said back.
"No, you stop." he argued, "I'm not letting you do this. You don't get to act as if I'm the bad guy Y/N. That isn't fair."
"Yes I know that isn't fair Louis," she admitted, "But you know goddamn well that all of those things that I said were straight up true."
She is right, Louis thought, they were true
"Listen, I'm trying okay? I'm really trying to not be the person I used to be. I'm trying to forget about the past. And you have no idea how much regret and madness that I've experienced trying to overcome that."
"You don't get to act as if all of this was a whole stupid mistake."
"Fuck that Y/N!" He yelled back, "Why are you like this? Why can't we just be together and move on."
"No. I can't move on. That's the thing. You are the one who did this. You left me. And now I'm leaving you."
"I needed time Y/N. Time."
"Please," she scoffed, "You didn't even trust me."
"Hold on, you said that we don't have to trust each other. You literally said that you don't trust me."
"Y- yes I know but..."
"But what? Something magical happened?"
"Yes." she answered, "I fell in love with you Louis. I-" she paused for a second, "I think I trusted you somehow because of it. And I hated it because I couldn't control it."
They both turned silent.
Y/N sniffled, "And the worst part about it was that once I started gaining your trust back, that was the time you left me."
"I didn't leave you, god!" he shouted, "You don't get it. That's the thing Y/N. You think the whole world revolves around you and you assume shit about people who you don't know the whole story about."
Y/N crossed her arms, letting out a small hysterical laugh.
"No- I didn't mean tha-"
"My life is falling apart Louis." she interrupted, changing the subject, "I am getting sued for no reason, my family and friends are ashamed of me, and I feel like shit." she ranted, feeling her body getting light from finally admitting what she's been wanting to say all along.
"A- and I'm just scared okay?... I'm scared that once you come back in my life your gonna leave it again when It's already breaking apart." she breathed, tears were falling down her red cheeks.
Louis looked away from her, he wanted to punch something.
But he felt weak.
They both did.
Louis suddenly tasted blood on his lip from how hard he was biting it, he didn't realise it.
"I don't know," she cleared her throat, "I really don't know anymore."
They stood inches apart from each other, feeling drained and confused, not glancing at each other for at least a second.
"Maybe this wasn't it." she breathed, her heart was hurting so badly.
He shut his eyes tightly, hoping this was all just a dream. And when he wakes up everything would be normal. She would be his and he will be hers.
please make this all a dream he repeated in his mind over and over again.
"I just don't think we should risk it all if all we're going to do is go on and on about who's right or wrong." she sighed.
"Just please please stay Y/N." Louis pleaded, "I don't want you to leave."
"We can just stay frie-"
"No," he scoffed, "We are not playing the 'We can still be friends part'. "
"But what if-"
"Stop with the what ifs for one second. Do you love me Y/N?"
"Then stay. Stay with me. We will be fucking happy together and live the lives we always wanted." he blurted out.
"Louis you don't understand."
"Why are you like this Y/N, can't you see I'm actually trying so hard just for you? I'm risking everything for you."
"Yes Louis and I appreciate it with all my heart bu-"
"But what. Say it."
Her eyes glanced at him, full of tears.
"But I just can't." she admitted in a stern, shaky tone, "I can't manage to give up my whole broken messed up life just for you again."
"Who said anything about giving up lives for each other?" he asked.
"Exactly. So be with me."
"Louis just stop it."
She scoffed, "God, we are not doing this."
"Oh I have all night." he responded, looking frustrated.
"You are so full of shit!" she weakly shouted.
"I want you Y/N Johnson. Why don't you fucking understand that."
She narrowed her eyes, "You're a desperate asshole Louis. And I won't be standing here listening to bullshit that is coming out of your mouth."
"Are you mental?" he asked, widening his eyes, "Like actually?"
She shook her head, "I thought you said the whole world apparently doesn't revolve around me but look at you now, asking about my mental state."
He exhaled a breath of air, a deep deep painful feeling was filling his stomach.
"Y/N I really don't understand, I really don't. " his voice shook as if he was really meaning what he was saying, "What are you trying to prove? What are you trying to get out of this?"
"I have to let you go Louis." she said back calmly, trying to make him get what she was trying to do.
"But," his arms felt numb, "I don't want you to."
"Louis," she whispered reaching out for his hand.
"Why Y/N, why." he flinched away, looking at her tear covered eyes.
"It's not going to be healthy for us. Both of us."
"Do you not love me anymore? Is that what this is? Because I get it, I'm an idiot."
"No that's not it-"
"Do you love someone else? Cause yes, I know. I deserve it."
"You are the only only thing that makes me feel like I'm worth something, goddamn it Y/N." he yelled out, clenching his fists in frustration.
"Louis stop! Don't you see what we are doing right now? We are literally yelling at each other. Doesn't this show you that we are not going to end up well?"
"No no you won- you can't do this Y/N you can't."
"I gave up so many things for you, I tried everything for you. I even fucking kissed you in the rain, took you to the tower of London, climbed a window for you, ditched school for you, and for heaven's sake I even thought this random girl was you Y/N." Louis yelled.
He took a deep shaky breath, "And I can't let you leave me. Because if you do I swear I will rip myself apart because you are my life Y/N." he admitted, "You are my entire life."
"Louis we are two very opposite people."
"I love you Y/N."
"And we won't work Louis. We tried many times but none of them worked. Ever. Can't you see that?"
"I love you Y/N."
"We can't manage to break each other again and again and again Louis. It's not good. We are not good. Maybe one day we'll be, but not right now."
"I love you Y/N."
"And we would be so messy and toxic and w- we just won't work out okay? Maybe in another universe we will but no. Not now. We can't Louis. We will both end up in pain and regret and you know it."
His eyes looked right at her, staying there.
"I love you." he repeated one last time desperately.
"Louis please. Please understand me. I love you with all my fucking heart. I always will. But you have to understand that we both aren't gonna end up well. Even if you think we will, we won't. We are young and stupid and we will regret it Louis. We will regret everything."
"You're wrong about that Y/N."
"No you're wrong." he interrupted, "I never regretted loving you."
She glanced at the tiled floor, recognizing the little patterns on it. She felt like she was drowning as he said those words.
"So this is it then." he spitted out after minutes of silence, "This is the end of all of this."
"I never wanted to hurt you Louis."
"Well you just did." he placed a small, fake painful grin on his face.
"I'm sorry." she weakly muttered.
"Is that all then." He crossed his arms, ignoring what she just said.
"I- Yes," she sighed, "Yes that's all."
She suddenly flinched by the unexpected eye contact that they both created within themselves.
It was dead silent, only the sounds of deep breaths were all they could hear.
"Do you want me to leave" he asked out of nowhere, this time sounding dead serious.
Y/N suddenly turned quiet. Her whole body felt like a statue.
"I won't appear in your life again. I will leave you alone, or at least I'll try to." he stated, "If that's what you want."
"I don't understand, one minute we're arguing and the next you're asking me if I want you to leave?"
"Don't make me repeat the question Y/N."
"Why would you just ask that out of nowhere?" she asked, showing him that she indeed heard him the first time.
"Because I need to know." he responded simply.
"That's such a stupid question." she stated, avoiding the point.
"No. Y/N answer me, I hurt you. You are in pain. You hate me. So I won't stand here like a desperate idiot acting like you love me back for after all of the months we broke each other many times." he uttered.
He took a few steps closer to her.
"So please listen to what I am saying and answer me because I'm not asking this once more," he took a deep breath, "Do you want me to leave."
Y/N's lips trembled, she didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to act.
This has been going on for a long time. At this point they both felt as if they need to get out of here and disappear.
Y/N thought and thought and thought, not knowing how to take this question well.
It's like those words engraved in her mind, staying there.
do I want him to leave? she thought over and over again.
They both parted ways moments after, not saying anything more, not even a goodbye.
I walked out of the hotel doors and stood there for a minute, trying to deal with what just happened.
I was shivering, thinking about the many things that I should've told him, but it was to late.
I am such an asshole.
A tear fell down my cheek. Another one, then another one.
I couldn't handle this anymore.
So I ran.
I ran as fast as I could.
My legs felt horribly weak but I didn't care.
I wanted to go anywhere else but there. Anywhere else from where he was.
Farther and farther away I ran, the cold wind passing every inch of my body, my hair flowing all over the place.
Him him him.
"Hey... I'm Louis," his lips looked soft and perfect as he said those words, "Louis Partridge."
I shook my head from the memories that were forming inside of my mind. The memories of when we first met. The memories of his voice, his body, his touch.
"I'm Y/N Johnson," I shook his hand. It felt warm and comforting. I didn't want to let go of it, "How come I feel like I've seen you somewhere? You look oddly familiar."
"No no no." I mumbled stressfully as I kept on running down an empty street, with my heals in my hand and my whole body soaked and cold.
"We go to the same school," he smiled happily as his hand was still connected to mine, "I always see you in detention."
I slowed down, my legs were practically aching with pain.
"Oh right," I smiled out of embarrassment, "Sorry."
My heart was pounding fast and faster as if it were going to explode out of my body.
"Why are you apologizing Ms. Johnson?" he asked politely, making it seem like he wanted to know more about me.
My steps became more slower and slower, weaker and weaker.
"Because I guess I wanted to make a good first impression towards you Mr. Partridge." I responded, going along with it.
My lips trembled, "No." I cried, "Please no."
"You already did make a good first impression." he smirked, "By just standing here in front of me."
I shut my eyes tightly, wanting this to go away.
"Are you trying to flirt with me Partridge?" I asked jokingly as my hand was still interlocked with his.
I stopped walking, standing in the middle of a empty, dark street. The only light that was appearing was one lamp post, that was flickering weakly as it stayed on.
"And what if I am?" he answered, "Are you gonna do anything about it?"
I looked up at the dark black sky, no clouds, no stars or moon, just the sky.
And I wonder, just wonder what will happen next. What else this shitty universe has in store for me.
"No I won't," I stated, "Cause I hate to admit it but I might have a slight interest in you Louis Partridge."
Nothing made any noise at this moment.
My throat felt fucking sore, but yet I wanted to scream until all the anger and pain in my body was gone.
"Well I have a slight interest in you too." he smiled as I stared into his hypnotizing pretty eyes.
Numb. My body felt numb. I felt as if I was floating, but yet I was still stuck on the ground.
"So." I mumbled, not knowing how this conversation is gonna go.
I can't stop making the uncontrollable tears fall down my eyes as I thought about everything I would've done if that one thing never happened.
"So." he repeated back nervously, looking at me as if I was a special valuable thing that just walked into his life this very moment.
The wind gently touched my face as my eyes were stuck on the dark sky.
"Sorry, I guess I'm not really that good at doing this kind of stuff." I admitted, closing my eyes embarrassingly.
My hands were grasped together, seeking for some kind of warmth.
"Don't worry, I'm not either." he responded, smiling like he had no care in the world.
His scent, the way he talked, the way he laughed.
"So we're even then." I remarked, still not looking away from him.
The way he didn't care about what other people thought, the way he felt passionate about things, the way he would sneak inside of my goddamn house only because he wanted to see me for at least one minute.
"We're even." he agreed, biting his lip to stop from smiling even more.
My mind cannot think about anything but him right now.
Cause no matter what. No matter if we had a fight 30 minutes ago about why we can or can't be together, no matter if he left me, no matter if he is acting like an asshole, no matter if I hate him or at least I try to,
He will always be a part of me.
A part of me that will always find my way back to him.
But I realize that I need a break. From him, from myself, from everything.
Because now I know, that we aren't going to end well. We will never end well no matter what situation we're in.
And I hate it. Because I know I love him. But is it really worth it to be with him?
"FUCK!" I yelled loudly at the top of my lungs, tears falling down my face as my throat was burning with passion.
I'll always love him.
And I hate myself for it.
END OF CHAPTER 25
uhm anyways..... this song is good right?????....